The gym.

Yes im blogging about the Gym. I go to the gym, shock horror, don't all pass out from shock at once. I guess I go about 3 times a month, that's good right ? I make the effort and damn you I'm proud !
Since going to the Gym  very sporadically  I have wanted to write this blog. So anyone who knows me well knows I have gained a wee bit of weight. Come on, just a wee bit over the last 6 months. I go to the gym, I do my workout, I get on with it and boom im done. But other people are so freaking weird.


The noises.

Guys, I do not want to hear your grunts and groans. I feel like I'm on a porn set with some sweaty guys making their sex noises. Its just damn awkward. Your sat next to me on the machine, doing your stuff, pulling some weights and all of a sudden its 'UUUUHHHH' UHHHH' 'UHHHHHHHHHHHHH'. Really ? Is that needed or are you just trying to look cool and like your lifting super heavy weights ? No one gives a shit, shut up, do your work out, save the sex noises for your posh wank when you get home. Cheers !

The mirrors.

Why all the mirrors ? Not all of us at the gym are super buff and looking amazing in our gym kit. Well by all of us I mean me. I don't look good at the gym in my gym kit, While I am sweating it out on the treadmill I don't want to watch myself in the mirror looking like a twat with my wonky left leg hanging 10 miles behind me. Especially when I start to jog. Now that's hilarious. Do you remember how pheobe out of friends used to run in the park ? I just look like a twat. Its bad enough other people having to watch me let alone having to watch myself look like a twat in the mirror with sweat running down my face ! Whereas other people, especially the uhh uhh uhhhhh guys, seem to LOVE the mirrors. Its like ' Oh, im going to lift some weights and at the same time im going to check myself out in the mirror and think how buff and sexy I am when really I look like a weed that's going to blow away in the wind' It drives me crazy.

The bag of 'gym stuff'

Those bags, oh man, those massive bags. I swear you can fit a dead body in those bags. Oh those bags ! Why do people take such big bags to the gym ? I just take a regular size bag that has my towel, a jumper and water in. Nothing else, and mine goes in my locker. Why do you need to drag your big bag full of 'gym stuff' all around the gym ?! what the fuck is in there ?

Your music

Okay, I understand: You love singing, and you're so happy to be at the gym you just gotta sing about it. You and your friends are probably great at singing, and you probably try to prove this to everyone at your local bar regularly. But no one at the gym cares. We're trying to focus here, and your singing voice is throwing off our concentration. Are you trying to get discovered at the gym? We're not sure your singing voice is something you want to have discovered. Simon cowell is not here, and quite frankly, you are a terrible singer, so get on with your workout and stop sounding like a drowning cat ! Cheers . 

Selfies

I love a selfie, I really do. But theres a time and a place. My facebook newsfeed is full of gym selfies, really, is it needed ? What is with the gym selfies? Are you working out for you or for your social media following? Do you not believe you're in a gym, and perhaps seeing it on a phone will convince you? Unless your phone weighs 20 pounds, it's not adding to your workout.

Being a sweaty shit. 

Yeah we all sweat , who doesn't ? Surely you wouldnt be normal if you didnt ! Just wipe that messy sweat up. No one wants to get onto a bike you have just been on and sit in your sweaty vagina patch, or walk in your puddle of sweat on the treadmill and I certainly don't want to be TOUCHING your sweat either. EW, come on theres plenty of spray and tissue, just wipe up after yourself you sweaty bastard.

The changing rooms

Look ladies, this is no alternative spa or swinging club. Keep ya clothes on. Do you NEED to walk around with your vagina in my face, doing your stretches in the changing room communal area naked while im fulled dressed blow drying my hair ? No you don't you bloody weirdo, go put some clothes on and use a cubical.

So all in all, don't make sex noises, don't pose in the mirror, don't carry big bags round and put some clothes on in the changing room, otherwise me and you are gonna fall out.
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